Maths, pressure and a metaphor gone wrong

Thanks for coming here.  Welcome:)

Update: We decided to pay for our little man to do an addition math "program." It seems to be that all of the other kids are doing it in class. We think it's an expensive "program" and don't see the need for it. But our son is the only one who doesn't do it. And we are thinking this also affects his teachers and perhaps their their attitudes. 

I'm reviewing hand outs, graphs, charts and all sorts of material that our educational consultant gave us.  She's great!  She's been at the other end of a lot of emails. 

There are complexities of learning two languages for kids and being in local schools.  My second son is learning Chinese AND how to be willing and eat his food:)   He's doing great.  My oldest son (my little man) feels a bit pressured.  He feels that: he has to keep up with everyone do things right.  I am rereading that phrase and it doesn't seem wrong.  But kids who misbehave or fall behind in class get negative attention.  I'm trying to nicely say, if they do well, they don't want to get yelled at or criticized.  The thoughts, Don't cry over spilled milk or don't get too upset if students don't immediately line up are not appreciated.

 I've seen many young people come to tears when I asked what happened when they make mistakes when they were growing up.  I ask them what happened when they broke a cup.  I often hear young people say, "My Dad (or Mom) yelled at me, hit me, punished me." 

I don't know about you, but in our house we spill  a lot of yogurt, drop cups, and make lots of mistakes.  It is frustrating when the 3rd cup of water spills on the table, over another child, creating another "situation."  That was us last night;)    

We need grace.  So many young people grew up without being extended grace.  Kids sometimes just need to hear a Mom or Dad to say, "It's ok, it's just a plate." Or, "No big deal, just get a cloth."  My Mom would tell me, "I was tired of washing that dish anyways."  Maybe in our culture these are really normal phrases and we all know this. Over here, people don't know it.  There were many broken cups in their lives and not a lot of grace.

It sure is hard to break out of certain cycles. Those kids' parents didn't have Danny Silk or Scott Tursansky's books. They didn't have podcasts back then and they probably didn't think too much about grace and honor. Those parents gave out of what they've received.  Now those young kids are adults.  Oh how I hope my son doesn't spill too much water (or write numbers backwards) in his class!  And he has.. and he may still do so... yikes!

People don't always give grace.  Here they often love through criticism.  I know, it just doesn't work, does it!  Last week a grandma said to one of my sons: "Because you aren't listening to your Mom, my baby will mock you." I looked at her and said, "I'm sure your baby would never mock mine just because he isn't doing something right.  I bet you are trying to teach your granddaughter to encourage and honor others."  The Grandma quickly went on her way:)  

In a very direct society that tells me what I do wrong, I get many opportunities to talk to people:)  Tangent...

When he was a newborn...

Today I saw a young woman. Last year, her parents arranged a marriage. She's now pregnant; her baby is due next week.  My littlest one and I walked with her and her Mom today.  I asked her how she is doing.  And I told her how good it is that she's walking and staying fit.  Labor is hard work.  Then I encouraged her to hold her baby a lot.  The grandma immediately said that I was wrong and it was unnecessary and unhealthy to do so. Don't worry, I expected that reaction, but I also knew it that they were both listening:)  I insisted that research points to the importance of holding babies.  I gave her examples. I told her it's something that many Chinese people don't always agree with.  I told her people tried to convince me not to hold my babies too much.  People came to see my newborns and told me to let them rest on the bed.  They would take my baby and put him down.  I would pick him back up after the person left. I mentioned that sometimes if babies aren't held enough, if can affect a sense of "attachment" and security. It happens. But healing is possible! 

Commonly here, mothers wrap their babies in a blanket and set them on a bed.  They LOVE their babies more than words could ever express but they don't want to "spoil" a baby by holding him or her too much. Grandma's and Mother-in-law's are some of the voices most dedicated to the cause  Grandma's will even site their own mothering as examples of "spoiling children." So new mothers hear that message by voices ALL around them.  I'm not sure which voices this Mom will listen to.  It's sure hard to break cycles.

I dropped my kids off at school this morning.  The young students are trying to behave and try to keep up with the workloads, etc.  They are in a race and want to stay ahead.  We were advised by our educational consultant, a very wise woman,  to not have our little man do PinYin .  PinYin is the phonetic system for putting Chinese characters into the Latin alphabet.  We received some very specific reasons and direction for why we shouldn't have him learn it.  It all made sense.  

We don't want him to confuse the Chinese latin sounds with English letter sounds, etc.  So we had a chat with his teachers.  They were supportive.  Then we sat down with our son and explained that he was actually in a different race and that we want to reduce his pressure (and make sure that his English isn't thrown off by the Pinyin). I told him that he didn't have to do PinYin at school. I shared with him a metaphor of going up a mountain and how the goal isn't to be as quick as possible but to be slow and steady and walk with "light" bags.  I thought it was really coming along as I helped him to see that he is in a different "race" with a different goal. The slight change just meant that he could relax a bit.  Instead of Pingyin, he could do maths or Hanzi or do English work on his own.  Anyways, it all sort of backfired.  He was frustrated because he sees himself in the "same race."  He wants to learn PinYin and insists that the quick runner wins.      

So we are trying to navigate through a learning environment with a huge emphasis on getting kids ready for the start of next year's elementary school and not making mistakes.  In the mornings we do a mix of phonics, English reading and writing.  We are listening/observing when it "feels like too much" for him.  There are some days I sit down, ready to do phonics and he asks for help with his Chinese so that he "doesn't get behind."  He doesn't want negative attention from students and teachers. He doesn't like it when people get upset at him. If people never received grace, it isn't so easy to give it out.  It's not impossible to break cycles though.  
  

I bought each of my sons' teachers a rose today.  The boys gave them out.  I need my kids to feel like the teachers are "on their sides."   Because there are days when sometimes they just need to be reminded that they are.   

We keep reminding our son that we aren't afraid of him making mistakes.  We are trying to help him embrace the idea of "honor."  But if he gets a couple of math answer wrong, the first response may not be grace or kindness.  So hopefully a little rose and grace will go a long way and help keep the love on:)

I imagine in your own life you have situations that aren't straight forward.  I hope that you find wisdom and grace to navigate through them.  There sure aren't instant solutions. But His grace and love make a difference and we can always break through old cycles.  

Thanks for stopping by and reading!

This is the "electrical closet" downstairs.  I think our neighbor stores cardboard, to later recycle, in there.  When we run out of electricity, we have to put more money on an electrical card. Then we open this small closet and put it in our meter's slot.  Instantly, our apartments' electricity is recharged.  

Last year we were given a lot of clothes.  This year those donations were doubled.  The delivery man called me  to say they had "some boxes for me."  When a truck pulled up, it put "a few boxes" into a whole new light!  I think there were about 25 huge boxes of kids and adult clothes.  We get the continued blessing of delivering (after they are separated, washed, etc.) a little bit at a time to kids and adults.  

Have a great one!