Letting the little things go: Not getting offended even when they do "that" thing

Hi.  Thanks for coming here and reading! 

It snowed today.. Winter is on the way!

For the last while, I've been trying to work on "letting the little things go."  So many times in my life, I haven't let the little things go.  In high school the word moody defined me.  I was fueled by drama.  I would call people and phone conversations would revolve around "he said, she said, he did that, she thinks that, etc."  I just never realized... I never saw that it didn't have to be like that and that I didn't have to "react" to things.

I have plenty of chances now to practice letting little things go and not getting upset.  My life is filled with interactions.  I regularly interact with kids, my husband, friends, people close to me and people ALL around me (that like to get reactions).  There are a lot of prickly people around me.  Does it ever feels like you have to walk around egg shells with someone? In China, people are direct.  If my kid cries or I drop something, someone around me often react and points out the problem. People will tell me if my Chinese is horrible, or if they think the food I served was the right temperature, taste, and even color. My life is full of people interactions and potential people problems.  I have lots of opportunities to practice "letting little things go" and seeing His wise solutions.

 thAnd sometimes I don't let the little things go.  Sometimes when someone yells at me (hello... no good reason, I just asked a couple more questions than they wanted me to about whether the person was going to call before they arrived to see my dripping sink.) I can choose to dwell on it and feel upset or leave it. I can listen to the "this person always..." or whatever the accusation might be. I can tell someone else what happened... Or I can realign my thoughts and let it go.

Maybe I expected a friend's full attention, but the person was texting while listening to me. The person forgot what I said and basically just played games or surfed the net. I played with her kid while she did Tetris. My kids get angry at me sometimes. Because I'm sending them to school or someone gets a time out.  I can choose to let it go and not get offended or I can think on it.  I can choose to lay down my expectations.  When I think about those things, the little offenses become a greater annoyance.  It leads me to resentment. What a vicious cycle! Let it go. 

Maybe someone didn't recognize all the work that went into the meal I made (once someone asked me if I had ever cooked before.. Guess it looked pretty bad). People are often very considerate, but sometimes things happen. Maybe they weren't really grateful. It's ok.  Once I gave someone some baby clothes.  The girl took them.  But I just stood there, waiting.  She asked what I needed and I said, "I was just hoping for a thank you."  The person quickly said thank you.  I don't regret giving those clothes away and I didn't do it because I wanted a thank you. I have SO many wonderful people stories and I've had times where I've had to let things go. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Maybe the other person didn't even realize what happened.

I'm  a work in process.  But I'm learning that it's a Biblical principle to not get easily offended, easily angered and that I can let the little things go.  I can move in the opposite spirit.  My mind has to be on other things.  I need to think on things that are higher than me.

Something I tell me kids is: "It doesn't matter if you want to do something.  We don't lead our lives by feelings and emotions but by decisions."  Sometimes they don't want to eat something, get their shoes on or get dressed, or even forgive someone. I tell them that we do things whether we "feel like it or not."  We're in a process.  My kids have great days.  And they have difficult ones.  We are all learning, all make mistakes and all are under grace.

My almost 4 year old started local preschool and he has been reluctant to eat lunch there. I tell him that he can choose to eat the food. He can eat it, even if he doesn't "want" to.  Even if he doesn't "feel" like eating it, he can eat it. If he eats it, he won't be hungry.  And one day he will start to like it.  Some days he comes home and tells me that he took one bite of his food.  Maybe for some of us, we progress one bite at a time.  Submitting our wills and being "willing" isn't easy.

Friends, it's pretty hard to teach little people that we don't live by our emotions or feelings.  It's hard to teach them that they don't need to get easily offended.  Sometimes our feelings or emotions are just plan: wrong.  Really.  My emotions can be wrong.  My thoughts can be wrong.  I don't think life is meant to be easy.  I don't think it's easy to do what I don't "want" to do.  But I think He gives us grace.  I believe that He wants to transform our thoughts.

This isn't something that my kids hear and the next day they accept.  But maybe it's similar for us.  Sometimes it's hard not to think twice about what someone said, or to consider what the look on that person's face really meant or allow the "she always" kinds of thoughts. Maybe I don't feel willing to do the dishes again.  Maybe I resist helping out. But I don't think we need to consider those things.  I think we need to just let them go, do things and not live by our emotions.

We can't cure our narcissism by trying to ignore ourselves. The solution is to stare at God. When we actually stare at Him, everything else fades to its proper place.” 
― Francis Chan, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity

We are facilitating a marriage counseling course.  We are using Francis and Lisa Chan's material called: "You and Me Forever."  It's a challenging book and has been helping us redefine marriage and the purpose of it.  The Chan's are encouraging people to not look so much to "each other" and meeting each other's needs, but to put marriage in view of eternity.  

Yesterday, my husband shared something that he heard a respected man once say and that has challenged him.  The man said: "The more I serve others, the less the my struggle with lust and self has been in my marriage."

Can this be true?  It goes against so much of what society insists upon: boundaries, first look towards the needs of your spouse, maintain a routine, etc.

My husband and I have seen that as we serve others and give of ourselves, actually, our marriage gets stronger.  It seems the opposite of what so many books on "boundaries" say.  I'm not an expert, but I can tell you, I've experienced it.  We often have opportunities to have people stay in our house.  We drive people places, we give people our time until very late at night, and we choose to respond to needs. We choose to do it. Of course I'm not saying through wise boundaries to the wind.  Hear my heart.

Recently we had a friend staying with us.  She would see groups in our house, talks until late, people unannounced walking through our door, us making food and serving others on top of attending to all other work things.  She described us as "crazy good." We recognize that this is how we appear to people:)  I'm not trying to say boundaries aren't always appropriate.  But I'm just trying to say, maybe we are so worried sometimes about keeping boundaries that we don't know how to break through them.

The more we give and the more we look outside of ourselves, the less my husband and I worry about those "little things" or find we have the same "issues" as before.  We have time together.  But it's not the focus of our hearts.  We love each other.  But it's not what our lives are about.

We aren't perfect people.  I choose to forgive regularly and thankfully my DH also forgives me.  Neither of us are anywhere near perfect.  We are just trying to lean on Grace and make choices that aren't always about us.

In our first year of marriage, there was a time that I refused to do laundry. I didn't tell him and after about 2 weeks, I was just upset.  Eventually it all came out and he looked at me in shock.  I had just expected him to "realize."  And I let it really bother me. I'm learning to not get bothered about the little things.

Sometimes, laying down some of our expectations or "boundaries" is healthy.  Sometimes being generous with time and including people into our family spaces, helps us to put the momentum of our lives on His eternal plans rather than on us.

If I can give of myself and if we can bless people outside of ourselves, our marriage becomes so much more than just "us." Our family nights sometimes include other people.  We are seeing that the definition of family isn't necessarily just our nuclear family but modeling a father and mother's love and loving on others.  Sometimes it's not just our kids that need to be loved.  

I remember every time another woman has asked me to help cook dinner, or invited me to a "family bowling night."  I am grateful for the people that have opened up their private lives and extended love and grace. These people could have said: "this is our special time" or even , let's just have her over for coffee a different night." But they didn't.  And I saw healthy people loving, connecting, and communicating.  Sometimes we aren't willing to invite people in.  Or sometimes we present our best to others.  We have nice serving bowls on the table and everything seems polished. On the surface, everything looks good.

But, I loved being a part of other people's unpolished times.  They changed me.  I remember being about 20 years old and being with a family in their house. They were all talking at once, wrestling and laughing together.  That family allowed me to see their messy kitchen, go over to their house and be with them.  I didn't get chances to "talk" in so much as to just "be a part." They weren't polished, but I loved it.

They weren't focused on me, but I was included.

Now I'm married, busy and have kids.  There is so much that goes on in our lives (sorry not all written about here!) But I have chances to serve, give and love on others.  I get to let go of "boundaries" and try to see the bigger picture.  It's not about me or us.  Let's not get caught up in thinking on those little things or getting offended.

There is grace and His thoughts are so much higher than ours.  What if we tried to put our thoughts on Him and on His eternal things.  What if we laid down some of our boundaries, time, and personal space and were willing to bless and help.  You can do it.  One bite at a time!

Have a great day!  Make today count!  Thanks for stopping by and reading.