Uneaten fish and it's legacy

We were doing pretty good without any sudden tantrums.  Until last night.  Our friends invited us over for Jiǎozi 餃子.  It was great!  Our little guy seemed to remember seeing Dora DVD's at their house and started looking around for them.  They were more than happy to put them on and he was in his element (Dora and Mickey Mouse in Chinese are his favorite at the moment).  But before long, it was time to get him home and to bed.  I started telling him that soon we'd have to turn it off and gave him a count-down from five minutes.  

He wasn't happy when Dora went off.  He screamed.  Kicked.  Cried.  He had a tantrum.


But we were at someone else's house and so it all just seemed worse.  We tried all the techniques we could think of: holding him, telling him to stop crying, listening to him, ignoring him, telling him we'd let him see Dora tomorrow, threatening to leave without him (he wouldn't let us put his shoes or jacket on), etc.  


We also had our friends telling him that he needed to listen to his Dad. And giving my little guy all sorts of other tips and stern talks in the midst of it.  It was all with good intentions, but he wasn't listening to us so it wasn't helping having them "lay down their foot" and tell him what was what.   


After a few (long) minutes, we got him out the door.  We walked home and had a talk about how sad we were that he reacted that way, that he wasn't going to get to watch any TV today and that he needed to apologize to them when we saw them next.  He said sorry to us and when we got home, we put him to bed.


I get to take him out in the mornings and afternoons quite often, and I've done the public tantrums.  They're not fun (especially when you have about 50 onlookers).  I  try to ignore the onlookers and help him get himself back together.  But I think my DH hadn't remembered what those "public tantrums" do to you as an adult.  It's not just that your son is locked into something and that you can't talk sense into him, you get frustrated that he isn't listening and feel like others are judging you as a parent.  (Remember people don't like their kids to cry in China, so let's just put it this way, I don't see other kids having tantrums:) !!)  


When we talked with our friends later, we were given many parenting tips.  They were quite close to another family with English kids.  Often they would step in and take the kids out for the day, etc.  So they not only played with the kids, but they would tell them to settle down.  But these kids were a few years older than my fun and spirited 2 year old.  


I tried to explain that part of it is a "2 year old stage."  That things will change.  I tried helping them see that my son is different than these other kids (who would listen to her, settle down, stop crying on the spot, etc.) and that perhaps that could be some of the difference too. 


I love that she loves my son, but he will never be exactly like anyone else.  He's his own self!  He's fun, persistent, strong-willed, very active, a creative thinker, chance taker, always wants to be on the move and loves expressing himself.  I love him as he is.  Sure tantrums get old.  But we're thankful for how he's been wired and want to understand his tantrum "triggers" and help our friends appreciate some of his differences.




My DH told her that when he was little he was also very persistent and strong-willed. (he still is!) And now he's an adventurous, funny, brave, spontaneous, rising to challenges, clever, and hard-working man.  I LOVE him:)


One day, when he was little, my DH's mom gave him fish (he hates fish) for lunch and he refused to eat it.  The rule at their house was that you had to clean your plate before you left the table.  But he held his own and sat at that table for about 4.5 hours until dinner was almost ready.  His mom kept coming back and he kept refusing to eat the fish. She realized that she couldn't break his will, that he wasn't going to eat his fish and finally told him to leave.  He claims that at times his parents had to treat him a bit differently than his brothers.  He has two great brothers!  But perhaps as a little boy, he was more sensitive and strong-willed than his brothers.  As a parent, I'm realizing that kids are different and that you LOVE your kids equally, but perhaps you respond to them differently.  

We tried to help our friends see that rather than being even "more firm" or hard on our little guy, that perhaps he needs just a different treatment.  It doesn't mean making allowances for bad behavior, but perhaps he needs more grace than the other kids needed. I have no idea how last night's tantrum could have been avoided other than leaving earlier and keeping a bit more to our routine.  He is a little man of habit:)


Maybe this made sense to them.  I don't know.  I've wondered for a while how to tell them that he's just different.  I hear a lot of stories that "so and so did this, would do this, at this age was doing this, he was younger and saying this, etc."  Just trying to bring a healthy balance of expectations into everything.


I know that it's hard for them because they want my little guy to have the same relationship that the other kids had with them.  And it's hard for us because I'm happy that my little man is who he is and that he's different and I don't want him to be compared to others constantly.  I want to protect him, help him learn the right way to behave but maybe I won't disciple him with the same method, maybe he will call me "mama" instead of "mummy" (I get asked whether he should be calling me "mummy" about that each week by this friend), etc. 

Hopefully now there's a new understanding:)  And we can celebrate his differences.

Today has been a screen-free day.  He's played happily and thankfully is still enjoying his nap!  What a breathe of fresh air:)  I've indulged in a nap (haven't had one of those in AGES) I'm getting into the last stretch of pregnancy and I so often feel so tired!  Now wrapping this up so I can take care of lunch. 

Have a blessed day!